The Problem with Ilhan Omar

Two Jews, three opinions.

Jewish proverb

Many people in the Ilhan controvery are citing that because some Jewish people didn’t take offense, that it’s not a problem.

We, as Jews, have a long history of maintaining our own opinions, holding others’ opinions in mind, and settling on a third more neutral position. So just because one Jewish person says it’s a problem and another says it’s not doesn’t mean the situation is zero sum. It just means we have a much larger discussion to have.

Speaking of discussions:

…I want to talk about the political influence in this country that says it is okay for people to push for allegiance to a foreign country.

Ilhan Omar

There is a long-standing anti-Semitic trope that Jewish people have a dual loyalty, that we would put the good of Israel before the good of the US. It’s similar to the trope that drove the US government to wrongfully imprison almost 120,000 Japanese people in WWII. The idea is that these people aren’t actually loyal to the United States, so they must be stopped.

Loyalty is not a zero sum game. Ask any immigrant what they want for their home country and for the US. Ask the children of immigrants what they want for the countries of their heritage.

They all want the same thing: the best leadership as per their world view. Naturalized immigrants in the US and their children born here want the same thing that anyone else wants: a healthy home country.

Coded Anti-Semitic Tropes

Anti-Semitism has been around for thousands of years. During those thousands of years many anti-Semitic stereotypes have become rote.

The most common and persistent one is that Jews have a proclivity to control money. This shows up in literature, in media, and in general conversation. The writer Alexander Dumas, in The Three Musketeers, wrote:

Well, then, off to the nearest goldsmith’s, and sell that diamond for the highest price you can get from him. However much of a Jew he may be, he will give you at least eight hundred pistoles.

This attitude is still so pervasive that “Jew” has become a dysphemism for “haggling”. I personally experienced this while on a cruise ship and a family next to me started bragging about how they “jewed them down” referring to some jewelry merchants at the last port.

Another anti-Jewish trope is that we have split loyalties. That we would sell out the US for Israel. Language of this can be seen in many places, most recently and notably from Rep. Omar. This started before The Protocols of the Elders of Zion was published, and persists to this day.

The only way I can prove that we have no dual loyalty, and that we do not have an impulse to protect Jewry above whatever land we live in, is to cite “dina d’malkhuta dina (??????? ????????????? ???????)“, which means “the law of the land is the law”. It’s an edict issued, as far as I can tell, around 180 CE to reinforce that Halakha (Jewish law) does not supercede secular law in the country one lives in. This goes further to even give secular law preferential treatment to religious law in many cases.

One other outdated anti-Semitic stereotype which mostly faded in the 70s is that Jews have horns, much like most depictions of the Christian Satan. This stems from a misunderstanding of an old Torah verse where Moses was radiant after speaking with G-d. Basically, the word for “radiant” can also mean “horned”.

This image was used for about 400 years to paint Jews as having been allied with Satan. Satan, in Judaism, is not a being or an entity. Satan, in Judaism, is not horned, nor corporeal. In Jewish tradition, satan is simply “the evil impulse”. It’s the mean voice inside everyone.

There are too many tropes to list, from baking Christian children into our matzoh to organ harvesting Haitians. A fairly inclusive list can be found on Wikipedia.

What This has to do with Rep. Omar

In 2012 Ilhan Omar tweeted

“Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.”

This said that Israel and its supporters were forcefully tricking the world into supporting it, restating the ancient trope of false loyalty to our home country.

She apologized. And if she had left her use of loaded and coded anti-Semitic language at that, it would have been fine. However, in February, She tweeted a now-deleted tweet:

It’s all about the Benjamins baby ? https://t.co/KatcXJnZLV— Ilhan Omar (@IlhanMN) February 10, 2019

“Benjamins” refers to $100 bills, which feature the face of Benjamin Franklin. This is a pop-culture reference to saying that something is corrupted by money.

When Batya Ungar-Sargon asked Re. Omar, on Twitter, to what she was referring, she replied “AIPAC.”

AIPAC is the American Israel Public Affairs Commitee. It’s a lobbying group which aims to strengthen the US-Israel alliance. It doesn’t aim to undermine the US, only to bolster mutual interests of the two countries.

What does Israel have to do with the US?

Israel is a strategic area in the Middle East. It is basically the Silicone Valley of the region. They have numerous climate change and humanitarian progams underway, including advanced desalination studies and technology, medicinal studies, and innumeral consumer goods innovation.

If you’ve ever used a USB thumb drive, that’s an Israeli invention. If you’ve ever used a personal computer, the first CPU was designed in Israel.

There’s a lot that Israel contributes to the world, all of which helps not just the US, but the world at large. From ongoing cancer treatments to making clean water, Israel is a critical piece of humanity in the world.

In addition to their scientific prowess, Israel is also the only country in the Middle Easy which guarantees LGBT rights, abortion access, and women’s rights. Women aged 20-33 have free access to abortion, regardless of their circumstances. Transgender people have access to support under Israeli healthcare, too. There are some problems with the current transgender support and many advocates are working on it, but it’s still better than what the US has and far better than anything else in the region.

Israel is, by and large, a haven for humanity in the Middle East.

A (Very) Brief Background of Israel and Palestine

Israel has a long standing problem with Palestine.

Since Israel was established as the only Jewish state in the world in 1948 it has undergone many changes. Most notably, the border expanded in a series of wars started from outlying countries. These wars were started by outside aggressors and Israel took land to strengthen their border security.

When I talk about border security here, it’s about protecting people in a small space of land. It’s not equivalent to the 2000 mile US/Mexico border. This is about protecting a country from militant people, not from economic migrants.

There are two areas most contested right now: the Gaza Strip (Gaza) and the West Bank. Vox wrote a really comprensive article about this here if you wish to have the entire back story.

West Bank

The West Bank is loosely controlled by the Palestinian Authority and is arguably under Israeli occupation. Israel maintains that the West Bank is a disputed territory, the Palestinian Authority maintains the land is rightfully theirs. Regardless, there are Israeli troops stationed in the West Bank working to restrict Palestinian activities. There are also Israeli settlers who are making Jewish settlements.

The Palestinian Authority recognizes Israel’s right to exist. In addition, many countries recognize the Palestinian Authority as a valid government.

Gaza

The Gaza Strip is controlled by Hamas. Hamas was elected to run Gaza in 2006. It is an acronym of ?arakat al-Muq?wamah al-?Isl?miyyah. It’s an Arabic word meaning “zealotry” and a Hebrew word meaning “violence”. They are a fundamentalist Islamic group.

Hamas has a short term goal of “libertaing Palestine” which includes taking all of Israel and turning it to a Sunni Islamic state. They have a longer goal of creating an Islamic state spanning from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean.

Hamas is known for taking international aid and using it to build primitive missiles. They launch these missiles from schools and other civiliant areas so that any preemptive or retalitory action will hurt children or other vulnerable targets. They fire these missiles into civilian areas, like markets and neighborhoods.

Hamas is classified as a terrorist organization by Canada, the US, Israel, Japan, the EU, Jordan, and even Egypt. The only major foreign countries who ally with Hamas are Russia, Turkey, and China.

The charter of Hamas is deeply anti-Semitic, outright calling for the destruction of Israel

‘Israel will exist and will continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it.’ (Preamble)

‘The day the enemies usurp part of Moslem land, Jihad becomes the individual duty of every Moslem. In the face of the Jews’ usurpation, it is compulsory that the banner of Jihad be raised.’ (Article 15)

It even goes so far as to undermine and invalidate any peace initiative.

‘[Peace] initiatives, and so-called peaceful solutions and international conferences are in contradiction to the principles of the Islamic Resistance Movement… Those conferences are no more than a means to appoint the infidels as arbitrators in the lands of Islam… There is no solution for the Palestinian problem except by Jihad. Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are but a waste of time, an exercise in futility.’ (Article 13)

To free Palestine, as so many Leftist people want, would be to see the literal destruction of all Jews in Israel. It would be to destroy Israel as a country. It would be to sentence every LGBT person, every Jew, every Christian, every atheist, every non Sunni Muslim in the region to death. Remember, Hamas is a fundementalist organization — not Muslim, but Muslim fundamentalist. It would be like arming the Westboro Baptist Church and letting them install their own religious law in the US.

Where Rep. Ilhan and Leftists Take Umbrage

Leftists equate the ongoing arguable occupation of the West Bank with the atrocities of Hamas. As such, they have created movements like BDS (Boycott Divest Sanction) and Free Palestine.

Leftists also seem to believe that since Hamas was democratically elected, they are a legitimate government. However, they don’t see that Hamas is diametrically opposed to every Leftist ideal. Whether it’s toward peace, women’s rights, religious liberty, freedom of the press, or any number of ideals, Hamas exists for one reason: to kill Jewish people and destroy Israel.

The West Bank and Gaza are two extremely different situations with extremely different nuances.

The West Bank wants to find a way to coexist with Israel.

Gaza, via Hamas, does not want to coexist. They are opposed to coexistence.

These two situations get conflated.

Israel has the backing of the US and some incredible technology at their side. Because of this, they’re able to defent themselves against multiple threats. They are not perfect, but they are a valid democracy and they do have checks and balances. Just like any major government they can always do better, but they aren’t the fascist regime many leftists make them out to be.

Because Leftists have a propensity to side with seemingly oppressed people, a propensity which I admire and laud, the Palestinian narrative is easy to latch on to. It’s a seductive narrative: a group of people have been pushed out of land, they’ve been blocked off from most aid, their motion is hindered and tracked, and their people are often killed. All of this is done by a supposed bully country with technology eons past theirs. What’s not to love? It’s the foundation for so many hero-saves-the-day  movies.

The problem is that it’s not the case. Yes, Israel has forced people out. It’s because it was established as a historical homeland for displaced Jews after World War II. Israel has been attacked on Judaism’s holiest day, Yom Kippur. Israel has suffered incursions from all sides. Still, they do what they can to limit civilian deaths and injury. They’ve offered aid to Hamas before, and they continue to offer aid to the residents of Gaza. They put their own civilians at risk when they hold back from firing at Hamas missle sites next to schools and hospitals.

The Real Problem

The vast, vast majority of people in the Middle East want a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine. This means they want an Israel and a Palestine. A one state solution would be one territory gobbling up the other.

With Hamas fervently opposing peace talks and Leftists and Democratic party members lining up with Hamas, a two state solution becomes less and less likely.

People should be able to criticize a government. This is not something I’ll ever argue on. The problem is that many leftists, such as Rep. Omar, use loaded, coded anti-Semitic language which demonstrates a prejudice toward the people they’re criticizing.

Here is Omar’s full quote

What I’m fearful of — because Rashida [Tlaib] and I are Muslim — that a lot of our Jewish colleagues, a lot of our constituents, a lot of our allies, go to thinking that everything we say about Israel to be anti-Semitic because we are Muslim. And so to me, it’s something that becomes designed to end the debate because you get in this space of — yes, I know what intolerance looks like and I’m sensitive when someone says, “The words you used, Ilhan, are resemblance [sic] of intolerance.” And I am cautious of that and I feel pained by that.

But it’s almost as if, every single time we say something regardless of what it is we say that is supposed to be about foreign policy or engagement or advocacy about ending oppression or the freeing of every human life and wanting dignity, we get to be labeled something, and that ends the discussion. Because we end up defending that and nobody ever gets to have the broader debate of what is happening with Palestine. So for me, I want to talk about the political influence in this country that says it is okay for people to push for allegiance to a foreign country.

In the very first line she talks about how she’s afraid that because she and Rep. Tlaib are Muslim, they’ll be scrutinized as having ulterior motives, the very thing they are accusing Jewish people of.

Leftists accuse Israel of wanton human rights violations, of gleeful land grabs, and of intentional misuses of power. They accuse the Jewish people of duplicity, of power grabs, and of racism. The problem is that coded languge of “corruption” or “allegiance” or “power” or “influence” has been used so often for so many thousands of years, along with ideas that Israel shouldn’t defend itself against threats, that this criticism metamorphoses into flat out anti-Jewish thought.

In fact, even just the words “Free Palestine” line up with two movements. One which is sponsored by Syria and opposes the existence of Israel, the other which is based in California and seeks to empower Gaza, which would see to the destruction of Israel.

People have a right to criticize Israel just as they have a right to criticize the US or Amazon or Guy Fieri’s Palace of Mediocre Caloric Junk. They have to learn to temper it with language that doesn’t threaten the existence of the people living in that region. They need to learn the institutions they put their trust in, just like Conservatives with Trump, may not be as aligned as they initially thought.



Moving On


If you’ve visited any of my sites before, you’ll know that I love life. I’m adventurous, trusting, and formidably optimistic. I love people, I love art, and I love living.

The time has come for me to give up owning an insurance agency. Marketing and operating remotely just isn’t feasible. I’m not able to represent the standards I need for my company, alone.

I have sold my book of business to Everything Insurance, and my good friend Kimi.

Why This Change?

Owning an agency requires a level of access which lies opposite of travel. There are things in my life today and moving forward which are just not compatible with agency ownership.

For instance, my girlfriend introduced me to backpacking in late 2017. It ignited a love of camping and the outdoors which had laid dormant in me since I was a pre-teenager. We are hiking the Tahoe Rim Trail this July, which will require at least two weeks of absence from regular life.

I’d love to hike the Pacific Crest Trail and the Arizona Trail, and those are just not feasible while owning an agency.

Aside from that, I have become burnt out with the day to day minutiae of agency ownership. It’s difficult, and often gets in the way of my passion of helping people.

I Won’t Let Knowledge Go To Waste

I can’t let what I know go to waste, though. I need to keep helping people.

I’ve learned more about the insurance industry than I have about almost anything else. It truly is my area of expertise.

This is why I have taken a producer role with Everything Insurance. It allows me to consult with clients, such as you and everyone else I’ve written. It also allows Kimi and her team to handle accounts, changes, and claims when I’m not available.

Insurance is about taking your goals and dreams, taking what you have worked for and what you continue to work for, and protecting it. It’s about setting yourself up for success and being made whole again when something goes wrong. With this change, I’m excited to embody and demonstrate those very values and ideas.

Thank You

Thank you for your trust, past, present, and continued. Allying with Kimi will surpass all service I’ve given, and I’m excited for it.

Thank you for your time, and your business. Thank you for this journey and for this next evolution. Just as I paired each of you with insurance carriers to fit your needs, you have helped me meet mine.

If you need anything and don’t have my cell number, reach out here and I’ll give it to you. I’ll always be your advocate.




D’var Torah: Vayechi 5779

Vayechi 5779
December 22, 2018
Genesis 47:28-50:26

The last time I spoke about Vayechi was in Tucson, Arizona, at Congregation Bet Shalom. I talked about how despite our multitude of tribes, we had more accountability to each other than we ever had before. That the blessings Israel gave to Ephraim and Manasseh affected each tribe of our people. Those blessings did not dilute with time nor distance, rather they multiplied through generations as the numbers of our tribes increased.

This is especially poignant for me today, though I am reading Vayechi through a different lens. Today’s lesson, for me, is colored by the past two years since I last presented this parashah to a congregation.

Ivan and Rabbi Meltzer gave me the honor of today’s drash as a thank you note for my time here.

I’m Eddie, and I’ve been in San Diego since August. My girlfriend, Jalisa, is a travel nurse, and she’s been gracious to have brought me along with her as she travels the country on her assignments. We’ve spent the last year in Southern California, first in Palm Springs, then El Centro, and finally here, in San Diego. When we arrived here I had no idea how deeply I’d fall in love with this city and with this synagogue. I even already had a connection to Ohr Shalom — I photographed your Torah covers for the woman who created them. She’s from my home town of Tucson.

Our time here in San Diego is ending the first week in January, and I am going to miss you all. We’ve had l’chaims, laughs, and tears. We’ve shared triumphs and trauma. I feel closer to this synagogue and so many of you than I have felt with a community in years. For this I cannot thank you enough.

The relationships I’ve made here, the friendships, the ideas, and the love I’ve felt with this impending departure is what is coloring my interpretation of this parashah today. Vayechi is about the death of Yaakov while being titled “and he lived”, and this speaks to me today.

Looking at Torah is never straightforward for me. I’ve always looked at it like studying poetry. We see what we want to see. It’s often influenced by others, by circumstances, be knowledge and science, or any other factor that feeds into our mind and our heart.

I feel what we pull out of Torah reflects on us and what we need more than it reflects on anything else. We say that Torah is truth, and the biggest truth is what we see looking back at us, in the mirror.

Today we read about Jacob preparing his family for his death and his final plan. His desire is to be buried in the graveyard his predecessors made. He doesn’t want to be buried in the place he made home in his later years, but to be with his emotional and spiritual origins.

There’s a lot that plays into this, as his death and the blessings he gives are directly related to many events that lead up to it. He continues the theme of the younger child receiving the larger blessing, as he had done when he supposedly tricked his father in his youth. He condones and condemns the actions of his children. All of these are tied into previous parashot and many events stemming from this event are covered in later portions.

Jacob was a man who was uprooted, who thought he lost his favorite son, who was betrayed by his other children, and who got what he missed most back. He was a man who relocated to help his family and his community. Jacob suffered immensely and ended up springing a nation of people who were that much more prepared for the hardship of the world.

What inspires me and gives me hope every time I read this is that it’s called “and he lived” as he dies. The most notable part of Vayechi, for me, is that Jacob dies. And Torah always makes a deal out of distinguishing Israel from Jacob.

Of course there’s the basic scholarly view: Yaakov or Jacob’s name is what dies. When he works or acts in the interests of the future tribes or for Hashem, he is called Israel. Jacob dies. Israel doesn’t. Oddly, it’s also Jacob who blesses his children, whose descendents will become Israel. Perhaps it’s because blessing ourselves is a faux pas. Perhaps it’s because it’s the father’s duty to bless his children. I think it’s because Jacob, as a man who helped put the material world in the hands of the scholars rather than the plunderers, as a man who brought nuance to what was originally a straightforward dissemination of birthrights, was especially qualified to perceive how his progeny would take up their roles in the world.

Today is the end of many things. It’s the end of the book Bereshit, it’s the end of Jacob, and it’s the end of my time here at Ohr Shalom. While each son of Jacob plays a different role in the nation of Israel, each of you has touched me in a different way. There is not one person here I have not learned from. There is not one person here I have not enjoyed the company of.

My prayer this Shabbat is that while my time here, as this book, and this forefather ends, the impact you’ve had on me will live and flourish. That you and I have been mutually inspired and enriched. I hope and pray that when we part ways, we are all better for our interactions and clearer on our paths in this world.

Ohr Shalom, and every person here, thank you for becoming my tribe and thank you for being wonderful. Shabbat shalom.



Apologies

I’m so tired of apologizing.

When I was a child I had a bodily problem which my parents regularly got angry at me about. I had no control over it, yet I apologized for it constantly. I went to numerous doctors and internists, only to have them admit it was totally idiopathic — they had no idea what was going on.

I was bullied constantly growing up, and apologized for my breakdowns and outbursts. Hell, I went to the teacher, principal, and my parents about my third grade bully. They all said to ignore him and I apologized for wasting their time. He relented for agonizing months until I couldn’t take anymore. One last visit to the school authorities and nothing happened. I snapped and punched him.

Then I had to apologize for him.

Two years later I had a fifth grade teacher, Heidi Snodgrass, who made me stand up in front of the class and let them make fun of me. True to form, my parents just told me to ignore it or that I was taking general childhood ribbing “too personally.”

The principal didn’t believe me.

In order to get transferred out, I had to get violent.

In none of these circumstances did the people who were supposed to be looking out for me acknowledge my pain, my point of view, or even offer slight consideration.

I can’t really explain how exhausting this was. I was told by the people in charge that they’d help me if I only came to them, but when I came to them they did nothing. When I explained what was going on they said I was making it up or told me to ignore it. If I was able to ignore it, I would have.

It sucks not knowing how to talk to people

This just made me socially awkward. I didn’t know how to really interact with many people, save for my super nerdy friends. Despite wanting to trust my secrets and problems with my parents, I couldn’t.

Middle school was horrible. This was also a time when the authorities in my life (parents, principals) said that if I couldn’t ignore being bullied, then try to play along.

Adolescent changes coupled with being outcast is brutal. Especially when your body has been betraying you for your entire life. Even more so when you just don’t know how to how to talk to people. When you’re used to being the butt of a joke and give in to start playing along, your esteem changes and you become a clown. Not the good kind of clown, but the involuntary kind.

And through all these problems my now-divorcing parents still told me to ignore the bullies or play along.

I apologized.

Whatever, I grew up

I grew into a pretty kickass person. Music training and theater in high school coupled with voice lessons helped me talk to people. My fencing coach taught me to operate under pressure. College music and improv through my latter education period polished my interpersonal skills.

Those things saved my life, but I still apologized too much. Even when someone told me to stop apologizing, I still would.

It had become reflex, to say “sorry”. It stopped being an apology and turned into “okay, I screwed up, let’s move on.” But I was acknowledging screwing up when I hadn’t.

Then I got married

Of course there were steps from college to marriage. Tons of relationships, jobs, ventures, and whatnot. But this is about the marriage.

The marriage where I apologized constantly for things not my fault. Where I fell on my sword for business dealings that my ex wife’s boss organized. Where I took the blame for things my aggregator at the time did, which were way out of my control. Where I just shut up and took it, in the name of being a good husband and compliant businessman.

It wore me down to an empty, sad shell of who I was. I honestly didn’t even recognize myself at the end of that marriage. I wasn’t smiling, I wasn’t happy, I had no energy, I was constantly morose. I wasn’t me.

I remember when I told my mother I was leaving my now ex. I apologized to her. I don’t know why. I know she loved my ex, likely more than she loved me, and I figured she’d be sad to lose her. I assumed she’d be losing my ex since she was basically emotionally abusive to me and I gathered people in my family wouldn’t stand for that.

Seems I forgot the lessons of third and fifth grade. And middle school. And all the doctors and problems I had growing up.

So my ex came to my grandfather’s shiva and memorial

My ex came to the funeral, which is public enough and whatnot, but then she came to his house and sat shiva, which is not cool. I let my mother know I wanted nothing to do with my ex. She said “I will not apologize for who I want to be friends with,” while expecting me to apologize for putting her in a tough spot. All this happened the week after my grandfather died.

Then she was invited for the family event where my grandfather’s headstone was revealed.

I’m tired of apologizing, and I haven’t done it since.

She came. I told her it was a family event and she should leave. My family stood up for her, so I left. Then my family told me I was being inappropriate.

Well if they’d listened when I told them it was ending, or when I told them she mistreated me, or when I told them she hurt me, or when I told them she’ll be kind until she abruptly cuts them off and hurts them, I wouldn’t have had to publicly decry her. But they left me no choice.

And they expected an apology. An apology they’ll never get.

The other side of my bloodline gets it. I don’t see why they can’t.

If they want her they can have her. But they can’t have me at the same time.

Without apologies.

 

 



Grandpa’s eulogy

On November 9, 2017 my grandfather was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer — where is not important. He died in the earliest hours on November 11, two days later.

This was the eulogy I read at his funeral

My grandfather, Roy, was a man of incredibly few words. He was masterful, through practice I’m sure, of using as few words as possible to infuse a conversation with humor or wisdom. His one-liners were sharp, witty, and rare.

There is simply too much to say about grandpa, Zayde, dad…Roy to condense it into as few words as he would like.

Roy was an outstanding man. He was a true patriarch, as he guided not through force but through examples and exploration. He rarely had a negative thing to say about situations, even when things were astoundingly tough. The only time I can ever remember him really complaining is when he would have Parmesan on his pasta when he ordered it without cheese. Even then he would usually just say “this isn’t how I ordered it” and then offer to just scrape it off.

He had the power of contentment. The deep seated strength of enjoying things exactly as they were. Food was good enough to be “okay” and he would enjoy it for what it was and for the company he ate it with. In this world where we want more and better, he found quality of people more important than quality of things.

Grandpa also had an entrepreneurial spirit that has shaped much of our family. We remember his wife, my grandma, as an outgoing Realtor. We often forget the very reason the Barts ended up in Tucson is because Roy came out here to start his own printing company. He paired up with a number of people, many of them unscrupulous, and still managed to land on top while that industry was still strong. Even though these now-former associates stabbed him in the back or treated him poorly, he never said anything bad about them. It was always just a point of the story, without grudge.

A number of his grandchildren and his daughters have this spirit in them and have chased the entrepreneurial dream he instilled in our DNA. The desire to create something that helps others has never left our family.

He loved to be active. He was an avid golfer and always made sure my uncle Frank brought his clubs with him when he came to visit. The past decade they were the only two smokers in the family, and they shared a kinship which, quite frankly, I found comforting. Having someone to share your vice with is a wonderful thing.

Roy was comfortable with who he was. He was quiet and, no matter how much ribbing we gave him for being the polar opposite of my gregarious grandma, he just smiled about it. One time, [sister in law] Tara was driving to the Science Museum with Grandpa and her son Luca. Luca was being obnoxious as only an Arriola child can be and Tara, exasperated, said “Ugh, I’m sorry he’s being so loud.”

Grandpa said “Well, he doesn’t get that from me…”

Another time, while having potted chicken (which Grandma called chicken cacchitore) we were sorting out who was getting which pieces. Grandma liked dark meat, so she got that. Mom asked what cut Grandpa wanted. “I’m a breast man,” he replied.

He wasn’t just always ready for a one liner, though. He was deeply passionate about his family and listened intensely. For instance, he helped my aunt Mindy pick out her wedding dress. When she tried on the dress they ended up buying, he simply said “That one. I like that one.”

It would be easy to attribute that to simple aesthetics. That he just thought it looked the best. Knowing Grandpa, though, I would bet that he liked it because he saw Mindy react better to it. He heard the excitement in her voice as she went to try it on next and he saw it in her posture and face once it was on.

He enjoyed doing what he could. When [cousin] Tara would visit, he would make steak, potatoes, and schmaltz. Partially because it was one of his favorite dishes, partially because it was (and is?) Tara’s favorite dish, and partially because it’s one of the few complete meals he can make in its entirety, from start to finish. Granted, it’s a delicious dish and having Tara visit is always a great reason to indulge. That’s actually one tradition we still carry on to a degree. Tara comes? We eat.

Grandpa and Tara always had a special bond, maybe because she’s the first grandchild. She would make fun of him for his difficulty in hearing the past few years and he enjoyed the twists in what he misheard. When he was sick, she said “I hear you had a lot of visitors.” He only heard “I heard you had a lot of sitters” and the confusion was palpable. He tried to piece together this seemingly bizarre statement and understand how sitters fit into the situation.

Grandpa also invented the world’s first child-proof drawer. He jury-rigged a rubber band over the candy drawer to keep the likes of Tara from raiding it. To this day I don’t know how he managed that one.

I mentioned earlier Roy’s distaste for cheese, even so much as to get plain breadsticks when we went to the family haunt, Mama Louisa’s. A little oil and a sprinkle of parmesan was just too much for him.

He used to be quite the curd enthusiast though. He told a story of how he used to love cheese so much he carried a chunk of it in his pocket and would snack on it. This happened daily for years until one day he got sick from it. I don’t know if this was before or after the FDA started requiring pasteurization of cheeses, though it’s a fun thought to consider. From that day on, though, Roy was vehemently against cheese. Not on spaghetti, not on meatballs, not on sandwiches. He even eschewed pizza. Pizza!

He was so devoted to his family, though, even when we got massive amounts of pizza from New York Pizza (best in town, don’t challenge me, I will fight with you on this), he would find something he liked just to be with us all. Invariably it was a meatball sub, no cheese.

Roy wasn’t religious but he still maintained some traditions. They didn’t serve meat and milk at home, so much so that he had soda bottles delivered instead of milk bottles. This was such an ingrained tradition that when Mindy was served milk with meat at a friend’s house, she was repulsed.

Grandpa was one of two people who joined me for my birthday lunch this year and I got to see his love of life firsthand. He intimated to me that he was ready to start dating again after being single for a few years. I told him he needed to get out and start playing the field, which he just shrugged to. I plied my brain, trying to think of a spry septuagenarian to set him up with, and just couldn’t. I suggested he prowl the casino for a mate he had something in common with. Smoking and slots, that would always have been a good start for him.

Today we lay him to rest. In his eyes he would see this as no more fuss, no more bother, no more worries. Mama Lousia’s and El Molinito will have fewer orders to modify. The casino will have one less patron.

Our family, though, lost a source of humor, of wisdom, and of joy. His sharpness, which he had literally up to his last day, will be missed. His ability to just be able to sit back, bask in the activities of family, and spread joy through his resulting smile will leave a hole in our family. His understanding of others and hesitance to speak poorly of people will stay with us. His love of family and enthusiasm to spend time with everyone he loved will never leave us.

Today we remember a quietly brilliant man who was strong in his simplicity. Goodbye, Grandpa.