I’m so tired of apologizing.

When I was a child I had a bodily problem which my parents regularly got angry at me about. I had no control over it, yet I apologized for it constantly. I went to numerous doctors and internists, only to have them admit it was totally idiopathic — they had no idea what was going on.

I was bullied constantly growing up, and apologized for my breakdowns and outbursts. Hell, I went to the teacher, principal, and my parents about my third grade bully. They all said to ignore him and I apologized for wasting their time. He relented for agonizing months until I couldn’t take anymore. One last visit to the school authorities and nothing happened. I snapped and punched him.

Then I had to apologize for him.

Two years later I had a fifth grade teacher, Heidi Snodgrass, who made me stand up in front of the class and let them make fun of me. True to form, my parents just told me to ignore it or that I was taking general childhood ribbing “too personally.”

The principal didn’t believe me.

In order to get transferred out, I had to get violent.

In none of these circumstances did the people who were supposed to be looking out for me acknowledge my pain, my point of view, or even offer slight consideration.

I can’t really explain how exhausting this was. I was told by the people in charge that they’d help me if I only came to them, but when I came to them they did nothing. When I explained what was going on they said I was making it up or told me to ignore it. If I was able to ignore it, I would have.

It sucks not knowing how to talk to people

This just made me socially awkward. I didn’t know how to really interact with many people, save for my super nerdy friends. Despite wanting to trust my secrets and problems with my parents, I couldn’t.

Middle school was horrible. This was also a time when the authorities in my life (parents, principals) said that if I couldn’t ignore being bullied, then try to play along.

Adolescent changes coupled with being outcast is brutal. Especially when your body has been betraying you for your entire life. Even more so when you just don’t know how to how to talk to people. When you’re used to being the butt of a joke and give in to start playing along, your esteem changes and you become a clown. Not the good kind of clown, but the involuntary kind.

And through all these problems my now-divorcing parents still told me to ignore the bullies or play along.

I apologized.

Whatever, I grew up

I grew into a pretty kickass person. Music training and theater in high school coupled with voice lessons helped me talk to people. My fencing coach taught me to operate under pressure. College music and improv through my latter education period polished my interpersonal skills.

Those things saved my life, but I still apologized too much. Even when someone told me to stop apologizing, I still would.

It had become reflex, to say “sorry”. It stopped being an apology and turned into “okay, I screwed up, let’s move on.” But I was acknowledging screwing up when I hadn’t.

Then I got married

Of course there were steps from college to marriage. Tons of relationships, jobs, ventures, and whatnot. But this is about the marriage.

The marriage where I apologized constantly for things not my fault. Where I fell on my sword for business dealings that my ex wife’s boss organized. Where I took the blame for things my aggregator at the time did, which were way out of my control. Where I just shut up and took it, in the name of being a good husband and compliant businessman.

It wore me down to an empty, sad shell of who I was. I honestly didn’t even recognize myself at the end of that marriage. I wasn’t smiling, I wasn’t happy, I had no energy, I was constantly morose. I wasn’t me.

I remember when I told my mother I was leaving my now ex. I apologized to her. I don’t know why. I know she loved my ex, likely more than she loved me, and I figured she’d be sad to lose her. I assumed she’d be losing my ex since she was basically emotionally abusive to me and I gathered people in my family wouldn’t stand for that.

Seems I forgot the lessons of third and fifth grade. And middle school. And all the doctors and problems I had growing up.

So my ex came to my grandfather’s shiva and memorial

My ex came to the funeral, which is public enough and whatnot, but then she came to his house and sat shiva, which is not cool. I let my mother know I wanted nothing to do with my ex. She said “I will not apologize for who I want to be friends with,” while expecting me to apologize for putting her in a tough spot. All this happened the week after my grandfather died.

Then she was invited for the family event where my grandfather’s headstone was revealed.

I’m tired of apologizing, and I haven’t done it since.

She came. I told her it was a family event and she should leave. My family stood up for her, so I left. Then my family told me I was being inappropriate.

Well if they’d listened when I told them it was ending, or when I told them she mistreated me, or when I told them she hurt me, or when I told them she’ll be kind until she abruptly cuts them off and hurts them, I wouldn’t have had to publicly decry her. But they left me no choice.

And they expected an apology. An apology they’ll never get.

The other side of my bloodline gets it. I don’t see why they can’t.

If they want her they can have her. But they can’t have me at the same time.

Without apologies.